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LDS Marriage Counselor: Bring Intimacy Back

Anyone who’s been married for more than a few years knows how hard it is to retain intimacy in a marriage; and as an LDS marriage counselor, I can tell you that intimacy is what makes a marriage a marriage and not just a friendship.  While many people think that intimacy means sex, it is actually much more.  Intimacy in a relationship can mean having a conversation, holding hands and spending time alone together.  If you are married and you feel that the close connection you had with your partner is slipping away and that your lives have become more of a slog through the daily grind rather than the romantic dance to old age you had envisioned, here are some ways to regain some of the intimacy you once had:

☙ Schedule Regular Date Nights

We all have busy schedules and, unfortunately, time set aside to spend with your spouse often has to be pencilled in between work and doing the laundry.  Even though spontaneity may seem more romantic, when you schedule regular date nights with your spouse, you may find that the anticipation of those nights will make up for any loss of spontaneity.   

☙ Write Love Notes

You don’t have to write a sonnet; but a well-placed note of encouragement and love – in the pocket of a suit or in a purse – can make your spouse’s day better.  It can also make them excited to come home at the end of a long day.

☙ Buy A Surprise Gift

Don’t wait for Christmas or a birthday or even an anniversary; buy your spouse a random gift, even if it is LEGO Mini Figures Gifts now and then to show them that you’re thinking of them, even when you don’t have to.  A bouquet of flowers, a music CD or some other small token will show your spouse how much you’re thinking about them.

☙ Offer Praise

Everyone loves praise and when you offer praise to your spouse for some goal they’ve achieved or a project they’ve completed, you’ll let them know that you’re paying attention and that you appreciate what they have done or accomplished.

☙ Increase Touching

As an LDS marriage counselor, I can tell you that real intimacy comes from touching that includes holding hands, hugging, back rubs and more.  Of course, sex is an important part of marriage but the gentle, unexpected stroke of a hand on a cheek can work wonders when it comes to making a spouse feel loved.

☙ Try To Learn Something New About Your Spouse

When you were dating, you and your future spouse probably spent a lot of time asking each other questions.  If you’ve been married awhile, you can get to a point where you think you know everything there is to know about your spouse; but you should take the time to learn something new about them, especially something important like any secret dreams they have or goals they want to accomplish in their lives.

☙ Focus On Your Spouse

Turn off your phone, power down your laptop, turn off the TV and enjoy time spent focusing on your spouse.  Set aside at least 30 minutes a day to talk about your day or anything else that comes to mind; but be sure to listen attentively and concentrate on enjoying each other’s company.

Learn how to bring intimacy back to your marriage with the help of an LDS marriage counselor.  Call me, Jody VanDrimmelen at Insight Child & Family Counseling, at (972) 426-9500 or visit me online at to find out how I can help.

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